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In this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast we expand our discussion on social media addiction into fantasy addiction. From childhood, we are fed unrealistic concepts of love & romance. Whether a myriad of childhood movies of princesses being rescued or romantic comedies that never show the mundane, unromantic parts of life (e.g. arguing over bills, bodily functions, stressors of parenting, etc.) We can get caught up in an ideal or people’s potential vs. who they truly are.
Jillian shares her experience in recovery through Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Her sponsor observed that she had a fantasy addiction. Love addiction has a foundation in codependency. This manifested as trying to rescue/fix men with addiction, dysfunction, personality disorders, etc. Believing that we can “love someone into being well” is a fantasy! And it sets us up for frustration, heartache & resentment. When we try to be someone’s savior or become their Higher Power, it creates an unhealthy hierarchy in the relationship. In healthy relationships, we are equals who accept each other as is–flaws & all.
Treatment center romances & people hooking up early in recovery (known as 13th stepping) is a common phenomenon. We trade one addiction for another. It’s easy to understand how this happens since we’re in a very vulnerable place early in recovery. It’s easy to bond with others going through the same thing. But we must put our recovery first & not get sidelined by romantic obsession.
Oftentimes, these maladaptive approaches to relationships are rooted in trauma. We’re drawn to people who remind us of our childhood trauma & re-experience trauma by feeling rejected or abandoned by partners unable to meet our needs. We can also mistake chaos/drama for excitement/passion. As we heal, we will attract healthier partners. Jillian’s insight: don’t allow your wounds to pick your partners! Recognizing & healing our patterns is the key to breaking the cycle. Two key terms are: petition compulsion & euphoric recall.
The physical aspects of the relationships are addictive due to the dopamine & oxytocin hits we get. This is what keeps us coming back to relationships that are otherwise damaging & hurtful. Much like a slot machine, we get the intermittent reinforcement of sometimes winning (dopamine hit) & we ignore how much time/energy we’ve squandered to get that brief hit.
Like any addiction, recovery is possible & support is available! Please see the resources below to support your recovery journey.
Resources
Sex & Love Addiction
https://gettingstartedinslaa.com/
https://slaafws.org/download/core-files/Characteristics-of-Sex-Love-Addiction.pdf
Fantasy Addiction
Trauma Recovery
