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Relationships can be challenging even for those of us with a strong sense of self-worth, a template for healthy relationships and conflict-resolution skills. But many people in recovery lack these fundamental building blocks for healthy relationships. Dating and relationships can feel like walking through a minefield for folks in recovery.
On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we discuss our dating patterns and the childhood experiences that informed them. Both of us have had deeper awareness of these patterns through the process of recovery. Whether it’s being drawn to unavailability or the compulsion to rescue, we’ve realized none of these approaches has yielded fulfilling, mutually beneficial, and enduring relationships.
Being blinded by physical chemistry can make us oblivious to potential red flags. The spark can actually be a warning sign! A gradual dating process is a newer concept for us in recovery vs. hitting it off and hooking up. But without a solid foundation built on compatibility, respect, reciprocity, and trust, relationships are likely to implode.
We both observed our parents divorcing when we were young which inforrmed our perspectives on marriage and influenced how we approach relationships. Jillian also saw the ripple effect through her extended family system (aunts, uncles and grandparents) There was no template for working through conflict and staying together.
We also touch upon the Five Love Languages and the work Dr. John Gottmann, who along with his wife, has studied couples and relationships for decades. We dig into what the Gottmans call Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, or destructive behaviors within relationships. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Through their research, the Gottmanns have been able to predict with 90% (or greater) accuracy whether a relationship will fail based on the presence of these corrosive behaviors.
Resources
“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts”–Gary Chapman
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse (in relationships)
